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Great guy – shame about the sex?

It’s a total bummer when you meet a thoroughly decent chap who’s wonderful in so many ways, but who also happens to be crap in the sack.

Do you suffer in silence, sacrificing your sexual satisfaction, or do you dump him because he’s a disappointment in bed? 



 1. THE PROBLEM: Cement Mixer Kisser

THE PRESCRIPTION: You lean in for the first kiss, full of expectation, and his tongue either rotates round your mouth faster than a washing machine spin cycle or pokes in and out with all the sensitivity of Woody The Woodpecker. Not good – especially as in an average lifetime, we apparently spend two weeks snogging. The best way to re-educate Mr Cement Mixer is to lead by example. Use a method that’s enjoyable for you both while also protecting his pride. Start by kissing your partner the way you love to be kissed. Stop mid-kiss and tell your lover how much you love kissing. Then say, ‘Hey, will you show me what it feels like to be kissed by me?’ Always follow the desired kiss with reinforcement like ‘Oh, do more of that’.” Tracey Cox, author of Supersex, has another hot tip, “Let out a tiny groan of pleasure when he’s doing it right – it not only encourages him to keep kissing that way, it also creates an erotic vibration.”

2. THE PROBLEM: Man Handler

THE PRESCRIPTION: The way the Tit Crusher tugs and pulls our breasts is criminal. If there was a Society for the Prevention Of Cruelty To Breasts, he’d be on the top 10 offenders list. As for the Clitoris Hammer, I was once forced to point out to a lover that assault and battery of the clitoris was the sensual equivalent of stamping on bollocks – fun for a minority, but excruciating for most. Don’t say ‘Ouch, that’s horrible!’ as this will instantly crush his self-esteem. Instead, still his hand and say ‘they’re extremely sensitive – it feels great and can be orgasmic when you’re really, really gentle’. To smooth out his touch downstairs, try lubing his fingers up. Also try showing him how you like to be touched in sensitive spots by demonstrating on the underside of his wrist, an area that is very sensitive but not erotic enough for him to lose his concentration. And if you don’t mind distracting him, demonstrate directly on your erogenous zone. Warning: this will lead to an instant erection.

3. THE PROBLEM: Size Matters

THE PRESCRIPTION: Nearly a quarter of women would finish a relationship over the size of their partner’s penis. But as you’re both responsible for the level of friction, it seems unfair that his little fella takes all the blame. One solution is to develop your PC muscles so that your vaginal grip is so tight, penetration by even the teeniest todger would feel pleasurable. Clench and release your PC muscles 10 times in rapid succession, then clench and hold for 10 seconds five times. Repeat three sets of this work-out twice a day and within a fortnight you’ll begin to notice a difference, not only in how snug he feels but also in the power of your orgasms. Finally, Small Cock Compensation Theory purports that what he lacks in plunge power he makes up for with cunnilingus prowess. Lucky you!

4. THE PROBLEM: Trigger Happy

THE PRESCRIPTION: The sexual equivalent of ‘all dressed up and nowhere to go’, habitual premature ejaculation can be a real bore. Unfortunately, one third of men suffer with it at some point, according to a survey by the American Medical Association, so odds are that if you walk away from one premature ejaculator, you’ve got a 50 percent chance of meeting another one. However it’s highly curable. If he’s into alternative treatments, acupuncture could be the answer. According to traditional Chinese medicine, there’s an ‘energy gate’ between the prostate and the base of the penis. “Premature ejaculation means that the hinges of the gate have become loose or weak and therefore cannot hold back the sperm,” says acupuncturist Massih Yaghmaie. “The length of treatment can vary from a few sessions up to three to six months’ of treatment.”

5. THE PROBLEM: Stamina King

THE PRESCRIPTION: Women who complain about men not lasting long enough have caused the common misconception that we want men to match the pace of the Duracell bunny. But without a vat of lube (or illegal narcotics) our delicate little clitorises don’t actually appreciate the pounding. One way to stop the onslaught is to get him to masturbate over you instead, or say that you’re desperate to give him a blow-job. Another technique used by escorts – the health of whose vaginas and bank balances depends on brevity – is to keep a note of any particular phrase or action that triggers your lover’s orgasm. You may find that talking dirty or doing something extra naughty (like probing a finger inside his anus) equally intensifies pleasure for you, so go ahead – sometimes it’s good to be bad.

6. THE PROBLEM: Lost Libido

THE PRESCRIPTION: It’s hard not to take this one personally, but if you don’t want his headache to become yours, you need him to get to the cause of his low desire. Is it stress, depression, a lousy diet, illness or seriously low levels of testosterone? A visit to the GP will help identify the problem. If a doctor can’t identify a medical cause, they should be able to recommend a therapist to talk through psychological issues, or they may offer techniques to reduce stress levels. He could try disassociating himself from work by changing out of his work clothes the minute he gets home, and instead of reaching for a soothing glass of shiraz, lying down in a quiet room and concentrating on deep breathing for five minutes – it really does work. Also, improving general health can have an instant impact – go to the gym together instead of going to the pub and replace stodgy foods like white breads and pastas with green side orders such as broccoli or salad.

Ironically, another solution to not having sex is to not have sex. Taking penetration out of the sexual equation for an entire month can work wonders. It’s basic human nature that when we can’t have something, it becomes a hundred times more desirable and the ban will immediately free him from feelings of guilt and pressure, neither of which are great libido boosters. As the sex ban only applies to penetration, it will be a great excuse to get back to basics and indulge yourselves with so-called ‘foreplay’ that is just as delightful during and after penetrative sex.

7. THE PROBLEM: Libido Loco

THE PRESCRIPTION: I lived with a sex mad guy whose testosterone levels ought to have been monitored for medical research. He needed – as opposed to wanted – sex five times a day. On a few occasions, I lay there passively, mistakenly believing men become deranged if you refuse to aid ejaculation – my only contribution the plaintive cry, “pull my nightie down when you’ve finished.” But there is another way. You need to talk about this to avoid a negative spiral because the more a guy is rejected, the more he’ll want it and the more you’ll end up feeling he just wants you for sex. Start with a positive, like ‘I love having sex with you’, then point out that there is a slight difference between how often you want sex. Explain why you don’t want it now. It’s absolutely fine to turn down sex, but always give him an alternative time as a straight ‘no’ is bewildering. Also, men sometimes want sex in order to feel close to you, so instead of seeing it as him pestering you for sex, you could reframe it mentally as your man’s desire for intimacy. Bless.

8. THE PROBLEM: Toy Envy

THE PRESCRIPTION:
A third of men aren’t keen on their partners using vibrators, but we have 3 solutions for this. Buy a toy that’s much smaller than he is. Show him the benefits by using it on him too; rub it over his perineum or against your cheek during oral sex. Finally, point out that a vibrator can’t give you a massage, a hug or oral sex. You can also buy him a plaything of his own – one that has added thrills for you. How about a vibrating penis ring? It’s non-invasive and hands-free, so he gets the vibrations, the ring helps extend his erection, and if you jump on top, it can stimulate your clitoris too.”

9. THE PROBLEM: Oral Aversion

THE PRESCRIPTION: There is a difference between aversion and downright refusal (a sacking offence in my book), although oral sex performed unwillingly is almost better not performed at all. You could find out what makes him hesitate to go down south. Perhaps you’re not as comfortable with a man’s face nestling in your vagina as you’d like to think and he’s picked up on anxiety vibes and stayed away. If you are shy, wear silk knickers. Being licked through wet silk feels fantastic and when he eventually pulls them to one side and his tongue hits your flesh, your shyness will miraculously evaporate. Another issue in oral is smell. A lot of men said the smell of a woman’s genitals makes all the difference in their decision to dine at the Lazy Y. Simple hygiene will ensure that this is never a problem. An equally common cause of oral aversion is hair – and before you get on the pubes-are-natural soapbox, we know they are, but that doesn’t mean we feel comfortable when a stray hair is floating around inside our mouths. When my friend Katie asked her man why he never returned her oral sex favours, he admitted he didn’t like pubic hair. The next time she saw him, the area was hair-free and he lapped away happily.

10. THE PROBLEM: Anal Aversion

THE PRESCRIPTION: While anal sex is the Holy Grail for some men, 10 percent of men find the very idea of penetrating their partner’s anus with even just a finger “disgusting”. If you enjoy having your botty banged and you end up with an anal averter, see if he’ll compromise by using a toy on you. If he’s fine with that try to up the ante by investing in some latex gloves – if he’s got a barrier in the way, he might be up for some anal fingering, and a dental dam (a square of latex) can be used for rimming without actually making contact. If he refuses to play ball, slip a vibrating butt plug in your posterior yourself prior to penetration and sell the idea to him by assuring him the vibrations will travel through your internal walls and tickle his member. That way you’ll both be laughing.

Now for Randomness, Watch this Hilarious South Park video, mmmkay?