Breakup’s can be hard to move on from, especially if the relationship was serious.
A relationship expert has revealed her five-step plan for getting over heartbreak.
Claire Byrne, who is a podcaster and author from Santa Barbara and writes for Kourtney Kardashian’s lifestyle site Poosh, specializes in helping people through their breakups.
In an interview with The Independent.ie, Byrne outlined her five-step plan for truly healing and moving on after heartbreak.
Although it might seem difficult in the social media age, any breakup recovery needs to start by completely cutting off all contact.
“The first step is very simple — no contact. I don’t care if you’re best friends with his or her sister now — if you want to heal and move on, then you need to unfollow your ex and all mutual friends on social media,” she said.
She admitted this was a tough ask nowadays because we have such ready access to our exes, and some people can stalk their ex-partners and make meaning out of the posts they like and share on social media.
But demonstrate some discipline and you’ll enjoy the benefits, she said.
Mourn the relationship like a death
If it feels like an unimaginable pain, that’s because it is. Too often heartbroken people try to move on too fast without giving themselves enough time.
“Just let yourself grieve and let yourself consciously feel it, because that s*** will come up in other ways. It always does,” Claire said.
Reflect to gain closure
She said the third step was about gaining closure, not by asking the ex-partner questions, but by reflecting on yourself and changing your mindset about how the relationship played out.
She continued: ‘This step is about asking yourself, “How do I want to think and feel about what transpired in our relationship? What are my takeaways from it?”
‘You can’t undo the past but you can absolutely change your story about the past and get some clarity on it.
‘Fall in love with yourself’
The heartbreak coach then said the next step would be to ‘fall in love with yourself’ by working on your relationship with your body, finances,
“You have to do this work because otherwise you will end up attracting a similar situation in your next relationship,” she said.
Claire believes we attract a certain type of people because of our relationship with ourselves, and that these people are not necessarily ones that are good for us.
Finding someone better
Once you’re ready to start dating again, the expert said the best way to avoid falling for the same people is to be upfront about what you want from the get go.
She said there are plenty of early warning signs someone might not be emotionally available, such as saying they want a relationship while not making any efforts to make plans or communicate.
She explained that while people who are caught up in a relationship fail to realize the signs their partners it not emotionally available, she said it was very easy to spot it, from a lack of engagement to only texting late at night.
Moving on from an emotionally abusive relationship
An abusive relationship is extremely damaging and takes hold of someone’s self-worth in very insidious ways, Claire said.
She said people who are recovering from abusive relationships are not just getting over their ex-partners, but are healing from the manipulation and abuse they suffered at their hands and from ‘living a lie.’
She added it is easy to get seduced into an abusive relationship. However, she said it is possible to change the narrative around your abusive relationship, and decide it won’t dictate how your navigate your love life in the future.
She said one of the techniques she uses with her clients – and used on herself – is to visualize a future version of themselves in order to muster results.
Now she is in a successful relationship thanks to what she’s been through in the past.