Samkele Myeni writes…
It’s incredibly frustrating to witness men who are “straight passing” use and abuse queer mxn.
These cishet presenting Bros (often) initiate romantic and/or sexual relations with “out”/nonclosetted queer mxn and then proceed to exploit these relationships and the mxn they are in them with using their access to cishet patriarchal privilege.
These are the men who unbeknown to the world take queer mxn lovers by night and talk loudly in bars and clubs about how they’re “f****** b****” and all the “p****” they’re getting by day, to the amusement of their fellow Bros as they engage in the daily tradition of misogyny and the general hatred of all things Not cishet that marks their Bro bond.
These men will publicly embarrass, harass, attack and degrade queer mxn to increase the public’s perception of their “straightness”.
These dudes will not hesitate to publicly humiliate the very same men they are romancing to avoid being associated with queerness.
If you think that you are safe occupying a dorm room or a dinner table or the bathroom with your beloved Bro because it’s behind closed doors then think again.
There is no end to his reign of terror.
Micro aggression like homophobic slurs and unwarranted commentary on your “overly feminine” mannerisms are a plenty and can leave queer mxn feeling less than even in the discomfort of their own bedrooms.
And do not think that fearing for your life around a deceiver is just paranoia because being queer and having your eyes wide open means being well aware of the macro aggressions these “straight men have whipped out to the queer mxn close to them.
An older brother sexually abused his younger brother and years later married a womxn and started a beautiful lifelong journey of keeping up with the Jones’ while the victim suffered in silence and was denounced and othered by his family and friends including the abuser for identifying as gay in his adult life.
A group of “straight” men led by another who had been rejected by his queer ex boyfriend brutally raped the queer mxn. The bitter irony of “straight” men’s assumption that queer men are/should be sexually available to them doesn’t end here.
There are countless incidents queer mxn can relay where cishet presenting men have arrogantly requested sexual favours from queer men with the expectation that the queer person would only be too happy to please the “straight” one with no prospects of being acknowledged, respected or reciprocated.
A Bro casually asks the same queer men he calls a “m****ie” in front of his gym buddies for head as if queer mxn are pinning to engage in onesided sexual relationships with homophobic aggressors. The Bro’s capacity for mental play is endless.
Sometimes he is more acquainted with the queer community and it’s complexities than the average Bro. It’s the Gemini of “straightness”.
The most dangerous of the lot and the one your queer friend will almost always fall for. He doesn’t have “straight passing privilege”; he’s just in the closet. He isn’t homophobic, he just calls you a “f**” in front of his friends so that they don’t find out that he’s gay like you.
This swindler will use your own experiences against you. He will talk about outness and how he doesn’t owe it to anyone and the abuse inherent in expecting him to come out for your relationship.
He will dismiss your concerns about the amount of abuse you’re enduring in this relationship by telling tales of his brokenness.
He only made that homophobic joke because he’s confused, frustrated and depressed by his sexuality and he swears that you can fix him and you’d only have to pay the small price of being called a “b****” or a “f**” for as long as he remains in his closet full of straight jackets.
He is so difficult to let go of because everything he says sounds familiar. It all strikes your heart’s core. You share his fears, insecurities, and reservations.
Of course you do, he has plagiarised your queer struggles as his own and he is selling you the manuscript of the book you published at an impossible price.
This guy is not like you, and he does not like you. He happily takes your body, pride, dignity, intellectual property and cologne and gives nothing back just as long as you keep fixating on fixing this fox’s fictitious “issues”.
He does not stand up for womxn and queer folk or any marginalised people because he enjoys the privilege he has in society as a “good Christian man”.
He’s above greeting you in the dining hall. He’s okay with the slurs his friends use towards you. He will never give you trust, respect, honesty, exclusivity, understanding or love.
He knows you crave these things in a world that brutalises and others you every day and he capitalises on that hunger to access you for company and sexual gratification without ever having to offer you more.
You will stick around because you are lonely and insecure.
You will stick around because being queer is to be constantly rejected and to have a “straight” guy be interested in your seems like acceptance.
Beware, I’ve seen “straight” Bros strike and my queer male peers strike out.